BEAUTY vs ATTITUDE . . . Friendships have little to do what the person looks like;   but everything to do with attitude and conduct.  The attitude and conduct are the really important issues Biblically and should be in our daily lives. I admit that one's beauty might be the first thing that catches the attention of another.  One day we might say, “He's got such broad shoulders” or “Doesn't she have beautiful eyes.” However, with what our children know today, it's not just that...   but now we think our boy friend or girl friend must have that perfect physique or figure.  But that means little. In my youth, I'd dated a few very lovely girls...   and I found that many times they were thinking about themselves only.  In other words, they KNEW they were beautiful on the outside. But, I'd also asked some out who were not physically perfect, but were exquisite in mind, using wisdom and considering the thoughts and feelings of others.  That's attitude...    and it's a good attitude which is the inner, true beauty of an individual. I'm sure someone will wonder why I implied that self-centeredness was not attractive, and how looking at the thoughts feelings and needs of others was beautiful. No, it's not that I think we should expect everything from others...   That would be putting us back into self-centeredness and being unattractive to others.  So what do I mean? Many years ago, I was working for an old gentleman who taught me an awesome lesson.  He had asked me what I felt the percentages of marriage might be.  Of course, remembering what my Dad taught me, I said, “It would be 50/50.” He chuckled and told me that's what he'd expected to hear. Then he explained that for a good friendship, especially in marriage, each individual must consider a 90/10 relationship. NINETY / TEN!!! Yes, I hear you.  But consider this: Each individual must consider that they plan on giving 90% and expect only 10%.  Don't worry, it's only normal that we expect something.  There's no relationship if there's not interaction both ways.  This is a formula that will work every time. . .   IF both parties do it. Why does this work?  It's like this;  God expects us to “love” one another because we're told to be like Him.  In Ephesians 51 we're told to “...follow after God as dear children...”  To "follow after" is the Greek “mimites” which means to imitate or mimic God.  We've all heard how a child is just like his Daddy.  That's what God expects between He and us. If we imitate Him, what does that mean.  The Word says in 1 John 47,8 that “Beloved, let us love one another:   for love is of God;   and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.    8 He that loveth not knoweth not God;   for God is love.“ So just what does THAT mean....?  We're to be like our Father in Heaven;   so what is it that He wants us to be?  Let's look at Galatians 522:   It says “...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,   23 meekness, self-control;   against such there is no law.” First, the “Fruit of the Spirit” is Love.  Remember, God is Love.  What are the attributes of that Love?  It's joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, and self-control. But there's more that Love is.  1 Corinthians 134-8a tells us that love is patient, kind;    desires truth, encourages, trusts, endures all things, and will not fail.  Also, that passage says that love is NOT rude, selfish, or easily angered, and love isn't envious or brag and put itself above others. This is the description of an exceptional and beautiful attitude, which will outweigh physical beauty any time. If others would treat you this way...   wouldn't you want to spend a lot of time with them, socialize with them, and even spend much of your life with them?  I would. If we expect to serve others 90% of the time and not expect being served more than 10%, what would happen in our relationship, whether they are as neighbors, relatives, or spouses? TRUE LOVE vs SELFISHNESS (sin) . . . True love is that which we discussed above.  But what's on the other side of this equation? What does “love” mean to most people?  When one says, “I love You,” or “Will [do] you love me;”   just what does this mean? I had a young lady come to me for counseling.  She was having a problem with her parents.  She said she knew her parents loved her, but couldn't understand why they treated her as they did. I asked her, “How do you know your parents love you?”  She told me that her parents gave her a house in which to live, a warm bed, food on the table, and clothing to wear. I replied, “OK, you've told me about how they exercise their parental duty;   Now explain to me how you know they love you.”  She could not answer. When so many people say, “I Love You,” they really mean, “I lust for you,” “We are good parents and give you things you need,” “I provide for your needs as your spouse,” I'm infatuated with you,” and worse, the term “make love” is interpreted as to copulate. Look at the meanings of Love and selfishness which is sin.  Sin, or selfishness, reaches out to take what is not rightfully theirs, takes advantage or others, and is deceptive.  Yes, consider the young man who tells his impressionable but innocent young date, “If you love me, you'll make love with me.”  I've told my children to reply, “If you love me, you will never again ask me something like that without our being married.” Love, according to what we've learned so far (above), selfishness reaches our to take from others anything which might gratify them for a period of time.  This taking can be physical, property, or mentally by abuse. True Love, on the other hand, reaches out to others in service.  What can I do for you?  How can I make you more joyful?  Is there anything I can do for you?  Is there anything you need with which I can help you? Selfishness takes from you, Love gives.  Remember the 90/10 ratio?  Now it's beginning to make sense, isn't it?  Good, let's move on. COURTSHIP vs DATING . . . A friend once said, "My husband and I were friends in high school and didn't date, but were best friends.  I liked him but he was intent on not dating until he was ready to marry and not really even then...   he wanted to court." She had the right idea!  But what does this mean? I've told my children, and now grand-children, that we need to be making friends instead of dating.  I hear them saying, “Johnny's going out with Susie.”  When I ask them where they've gone “out” to, they cannot answer.  Mainly because 10 year olds don't really go “out” anywhere....   but they do consider themselves very special friends. But this kind of thought pattern our children have today, is the preparation for “dating.” So what's wrong with dating?  And if they are not to date, what are they supposed to do? I'll answer the second question first;   and in doing so, I will cover the first:   The answer to the second question is, they should be making good, solid, friendships, and learning how to nurture, serve, and build upon those friendships in God's Love (Galations 522,23; 1 Corinthians 134-8a). If we build sound friendships, then over the years some of those friendships will be more intimate than others, and eventually, one of them (of the opposite gender, of course) will begin to stand out above all the others.  That would more than likely be the one with whom we might decide to spend the rest of our life. On the other hand, anything other than the true loving attitude will breed discord, arguments, and rebellion....   and of course, in a marriage, it will also breed disrespectful children. KISSING and TOUCHING . . . Everyone love that gentle caress, the tender kiss of a loved one.  But when we look at the subject of “Love and Dating,” what are the dangers of kissing and touching. If I had it in my power, I would not allow kissing for anyone who is not married.  I can hear some thoughts . . .   “Oh yes, now old Joseph is getting into some really stupid stuff.”  Not really.  Kissing which is more than a peck on the cheek we give to our relatives and loved ones, is dangerous.  Just bear with me and I will explain. In ancient times, when a man and woman were married, the ceremony vows, dance, and feast were not all there was.  After the wedding, the couple would go to their quarters, go behind a rather thick veil, through which you could see shapes and shadows, but no real detail.  The bride's brothers would enter and stay on the other side of the veil and watch to ensure that the marriage was consummated.  This way no man could say, “Our marriage isn't official since we didn't....”  Understand? Our marriages today are reminiscent of this.  What's the first thing done after they are pronounced Husband and Wife???  They kiss.  That's the first sexual thing as husband and wife. You might ask, “Why is more than a peck on the cheek kissing so dangerous?”  If you ask men or women what would make them feel loved by their spouse, the man will want honor and respect.  The woman wants communication and understanding, which feed their feelings and emotions. Women are driven by feelings/emotion;   Men are driven by sight and logic.   This is how the genders see intimacy.  Please keep this in mind.... Being a man, I can relate to this idea.  If I kiss a woman on the lips....   I'm going to have a problem if there's a second, third or more. A woman is drawn to love.  She enjoys the touches, caresses, and other more feely lovey things....   she's drawn to that because it touches the emotions. With this understanding, let's look at the chronology of a kiss and it's after affects.  This chronology takes a youngster from childhood and thrusts him into adulthood:            1. Boy and girl are alone... 2. Boy kisses girl because it apparently seem to be the logical thing to do... 3. Girl kisses back...   (or vice versa) 4. Boy caresses girl's back... 5. Girl enjoys the affection he shows...   and shows it by being more open to her 6. They know it's wrong, and at this point, don't care. 7. Boy responds by caressing in more sensitive areas. 8. They become uncontrollably consumed in their desires (lusts). 9. They still know it's wrong, and at this point, don't care. 10. They have a child....   whether they are still together or not. It's extremely dangerous to allow our children to be tempted in this fashion since they have no idea how to handle these urges and impulses. Let's look at another scenario:            1.  Boy and girl go to chaperoned gathering with their friends. 2.  Boy and girl play games etc. and enjoy the company of their friends. 3.  Boy and girl meet new friends with whom they can get to know. 4.  After several years of this, boy and girl get to really like each other. 5.  They are older now and responsible adults (variable), and can spend time together alone. 6.  Boy and girl decide to spend their lives together. 7.  Boy and girl plan for their future. 8.  Boy and girl have a wedding (without a shotgun) :) 9.  Preacher tells boy he may now kiss his lovely bride, and his anticipation builds... 10. Boy and girl can't WAIT to get through the reception and onto their honeymoon.  This is the thing that drives a long and exciting marriage. Which scenario do we really want our children to follow?  I think our answer is quite different from our children's....   They say, I wouldn't do that....   I can control myself.  But let's be serious, we were teenagers once.  Most of us were in this kind of situation at one time or another.  How many of us were able to control our emotions and feelings?  I want no responses on that question, but I'll betcha it's few. PRACICAL EXAMPLES . . . Some years ago there was a seventeen year old girl in the church a friend of mine pastored.  She was the epitome of purity and righteousness.  She was a teacher of little children, a singer, musician, and excellent example to all who had known her. One evening she'd gone out with her "boy friend" and one time, and only one time, they followed through with scenario #1 above.  Soon after she's telling her parents that they are going to be grandparents....   and she's still not married.  It's so easy when we allow them to be in situations they really should not be involved in (at any age) when they're not responsible enough to control their conduct. We are told to "Train up the child in the way he should go..."  (Proverb 226)  This training of responsible children is part of it.  We must train them to be responsible, and to control their emotions, sensual drives, impulses, and inclinations.  These things are quite important to any adult. Is a boy friend or girl friend, one with whom we should expect sensual intimacy?  The meaning is quite different...   A girl friend is a girl who is a friend.  A boy friend is a boy who is a friend. These meanings imply that we SHOULD have friends, not possible sexual partners or potential spouses.  We should not be out there looking for a spouse, but rather friends with many people from which one very special individual will emerge...   and you both will know if the other is the one. I see so many children who are having children that it's disheartening to me that we parents have allowed the children of past generations to set the patterns for dating.  I have a grandson who was "dating" a lovely girl.  Both terrific youngsters, both seem to be rather sensible.  Having all the earmarks of responsibility.  Well, because they "dated," without adult supervision, they are now the 16 and 17 year olds who are going to be the parents of my first great-grandchild.  They were aware of what could happen but were unable to control themselves when alone, and the urges had arisen. That's what we parents must teach them.  Responsibility....   and we can't put them or allow them to be into responsibility situations when they are not yet prepared.  Responsibility in sexual situations is not meant to be hands on learning. Our children say, "All my friends are dating"....   but are they ready to be alone together?  Do they truly understand the ramifications of the kinds of actions with which they may be faced?  I think not....   or they "believe" it can't happen to them as with my grandson.  When they are in the situation, and sensual emotions are rising up....    they certainly are not going to say "no" with any seriousness or meaning. IN CLOSING . . . Human beings are the only creatures which were created with the ability to respond with reason and logic in our decisions for our lives.  We have the ability to make wise and unwise choices. All other creatures react to the situations around them.  They react to sounds, movements, pain, and other things that occur in relative proximity to themselves. We are not mere animals which only react.  We must be taught to respond. Now it's our decision.  Do we train up our children to have responsibility for their actions, and make the boundaries by which they must be guided?   . . . or do we allow them to make their own boundaries and decisions and end up wherever their instincts take them? If we don't make boundaries, and guide their actions, and teach them about responsibility for their actions, they will make their own rules for life.... Consider that you have to get from point “A” to point “B.”  Point “A” is at the bottom of a 250 foot high sheer rock bluff.  Point “B” is at the top.  There is a path which leads to the left and one to the right.  They both go off into the forest with no end in sight. Suddenly, we hear a scream for help at the top.  What do we do?  If we don't have guidance for taking the path which takes us from where we are to the house atop the bluff, we might not take the path which goes around a safer way and up to the top of the bluff. In the apparent urgency of the moment, we may try to scale the bluff.  Of course, we know when an unlearned individual makes a decision like this, without being taught safety and survival, they could end up in a life-long turmoil.  And in this case, that life may not be too long.